Nuclear War (On the Chess Floor)

     I studied the board. I looked at the pieces. I had no where to move. "This is hopeless" I thought. "Why did I even think I had a chance?" Then suddenly I saw something. A glimmer of hope perhaps. "No way" a nagging voice in the back of my head said. "This person is more experienced than you. I'm sure he already has a plan for that." The nagging voice continued.
     "Shut up!" I shouted at the voice. Everyone stared at me. "Uh, sorry." I apologized.
     "He's right you know?" another voice said. It was the knight on the board. "I don't see anything good for you from my square."
     "Yeah, but you're just a little plastic horse What do you know about it?" I said sardonically.
     "I've been in some pretty tough scrapes and I just have a feeling." The Knight responded dryly.
     "I don't see nothin' wrong with it." said one of the pawns.
     "Shut up pawn!" The Knight and I both shouted in unison.
     "Shhh!" hissed the tournament director.
     "Sorry." I apologized again. "I'm gonna go for it. What have I got to lose?" I whispered to the Knight.
     "Uh, me?" the Knight whispered back.
    I went for it. I picked up the Knight. He struggled slightly in my fingers but settled down when I tightened my grip on his snout. I moved the Knight towards the pawn in question. I picked up the pawn and placed the Knight in it's spot. My opponents eyes shot over to the other side of the board and looked at my Knight. He seemed puzzled at first then slowly realized he could not capture the Knight legally. I had done it. It was the one move that gave me the edge. The Knight smiled sheepishly at me. The pawn began to applaud me from the side of the board.
     Even the Rook who was busy hitting on the Queen stopped to see what the commotion was all about. "Oh, we're winning now? Good show." the Rook smiled. Then went back to flexing his turrets.
     "I might actually have a chance. I just might." I thought. "I mustn't get to excited. I will fu## this up if I do." The game continued and I was able to get enough of an edge to formulate a plan. I was on fire. I was on cloud five through nine.
     I had to empty my bladder.
     Returning to the chessboard the wayward Knight was still there. Blocking up all of his pawns and sheltering my attackers as they funneled their way into the enemy territory. Finally I ended up with what is known as a passed pawn. This is a pawn that once advanced to the final square becomes a new Queen.
     Having removed the last obstacle and with a new Queen about to join the battle. My opponent smiled at me, shook my hand and said "Good game." It was over.
     I won. How did I win? I don't know. I can't think. "Thank you." I said. I didn't know what else to say. My pieces celebrated on the sidelines. The King was choking the Rook. The Queen looked on as she finished her Martini.

    The above story was based on true events. Chess is an extremely hard game to master. It takes only one bad move to undo all fifty of your good moves. On the other hand, one good move can make you literally lose your crap. Chess has seen grown men cry, go insane, and fight. Here is a link to chess related violence. http://www.chessville.com/BillWall/ChessViolenceandCrime.htm

P.S.  FU** YOU KNIGHT!!!