Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Coke Freestyle or (ZOMG This is so Awesome!!!)

     The Noodle's & Company in Davenport, IA has added the new Coke Freestyle machine to their restaurant of awesome.  (I have heard that Wendy's in Rock Island has also acquired this machine but who actually eats at Wendy's?)Not only am I able to choose from different types of noodles, but from hundreds of drink options as well.  This is the greatest thing since sliced bread.  Actually, sliced bread is still pretty awesome.

What is this Coke Freestyle you speak of?

    I'm glad you asked subheading.  In 2009 Coke introduced Coke Freestyle.  A unique way to
dispense it's product offering over one hundred unique choices and combinations.  Simply walk up to the fountain and you are greeted
by a screen like this.

You just select a category and choose the desired flavor within that category.

    This is clearly the Ferrari of the Coke machines.  I'm not just saying that because it's fancy, it was designed by Pininfarina, an Italian engineering and design company which have designed things like this:
Kit's metro sexual Cousin. 
  I know what you're thinking and yes ladies I am single.  I know what else you're thinking.  This is just some fad to create hype and sell Coke products.  Yes.  That is true.  To be honest, that's what marketing is.  Trying new things and watching customers scream "Wow, this is awesome.  Take my money!"  If it didn't work, just try something else.  Remember clear Pepsi?  No?  Of course not.  After it failed Pepsi immediately moved onto something else.  Just in case you think I'm making clear Pepsi up here is a quick refresher. 
Marketing is like evolution.  If it works it will survive with the plan of reproducing.  If it doesn't, it will end up at the bottom of a tar pit or on youtube which is basically the same thing.   Buying is like voting.  

What do you think of this coke freestyle sorcery?

     Another excellent question Mr. Subheading.  I absolutely love this machine.  It's all about choice.  However, it could use some improvements in my opinion.  That is what this blog is about anyway.

  • For many people who just want to fill their cup and sit down, a couple extra steps are now required.  You must first hit the coke button and then select the coke you want such as coke.  This may not be that bad except:
  • Sometimes hitting the button on the screen doesn't work. You must poke it a few times before it registers.  This can be somewhat annoying.
  • New users standing in front of you exclaiming how awesome this machine is and hit several buttons and gleefully yell "I don't know what to try yet!"  (the best way to deal with this is to stab them with your chopsticks.
  • I don't want to say old people, more accurate is "technology deficient" individuals who just happen to be old.  They don't understand why the machine has changed to this new monstrosity. 
That's a good question.  Why would a restaurant choose to put something in that would challenge older folks?
I'll excuse the interruption from Mr. Subheading because that is a good question.  My answer is this, the machine isn't challenging at all.  It may just seem daunting at first  but that's it.  Secondly, I feel it's about moving forward.  Trying things that work and don't work.  It's also a good way to "vote".  Let's say there is a large amount of Orange Coke being ordered,(yes there is orange coke and yes it is delicious) and Coke sees this and says to itself "Hmm, let's release orange coke to the masses.  It's clearly what they want."  There you go. It's a way of marketing that doesn't seem to invasive.  Nobody with a clipboard asking you to choose between drink A or B and then telling you that you weren't supposed to drink them they were in fact laundry detergents but you grabbed them too quickly before she could explain what the test was about.

Final Thoughts?

I think with some minor improvements such as a faster screen response or have just quick buttons for those less adventurous individuals who just want to fill their cup with traditional Coke products.  Maybe making it voice activated.  That way this will be a possibility:  

Earl Grey Tea is the Choice of the Next Generation

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Snack Attack or (Keep yo' hands off of my 'maters.)

Anytime is pizza time.
Yesterday while doing some grocery shopping I noticed a woman with three children cruising down the bread aisle whilst munching on a slice of pizza at the same time.  I was mesmerized almost transfixed.  Here I was doing my shopping because I was almost out of food and I was getting hungry.  It never even occurred to me to kill two birds with one stone. Most supermarkets have their own deli or pizza place.  I could understand the appeal of eating before venturing forth through the endless aisles where the chocolate covered muffins with bacon frosting seem to call out to the famished customer.  Almost like Psirens luring an unsuspected sailor to his death.
In Soviet Russia, the tomato fondles you.
     The difference here was she was just casually strolling down the aisle with a slice of pizza in her hand, the grease most likely oozing off of the cheese.  She may pick up a box of cereal and the put it back leaving pizza grease finger prints.  She may have fondled the tomatoes in the produce section trying to find the perfect morsel.  Although from what I have gathered from looking at her, I don't think she was even aware of produce or anything that wasn't prepackaged.  I'm not saying that because she was overweight.  But her attitude seemed to suggest that if it wasn't processed it wasn't food.  The way she just threw boxes of sugar into the shopping cart at the request of her children.  Since when do adults listen to children?  Perhaps I am being a little mean or even judgmental but what else is there to do while shopping?  That's what people do.  You go to a place full of people and you automatically make judgments.  It's our brains way of staying sane.
It turned out she was a pregnant watermelon thief.
Image Source
     Just a few weeks prior I saw a pregnant woman pushing a cart burdened with just watermelons.  That's it.    I was amused because the melons were the same size and shape of her abdomen.  I was thinking, "Watermelons are high in Vitamin C.  Vitamin C is important to someone in their third trimester."  But underneath that I was also thinking, "This woman is a watermelon thief.  I'm sure of it.  She probably has a whole mess of watermelon themed weapons and even leaves a calling card at the scene of the crime.Okay, maybe I was the only one thinking that.  But I digress.  The point is, if you walk through the grocery store with three kids while eating pizza and throwing boxes of sugar and candy into your shopping cart it's a safe bet to say this person isn't exactly health conscious.
     This brings up a very interesting question.  Is it okay to have a snack while shopping?  Is it acceptable to snack on something before you have paid for it?  Let's say I open a box of cookies or take a swig out of the milk jug before I approach the counter.   I've seen parents give their children a grape or cookie to keep them quiet while they check out. This seems perfectly normal.  But a whole slice of pizza even if it was from their store. What if they had McDonald's?  What if I just went around the store and made myself a sandwich so I could eat while in line at the check out?  Is there a line to be drawn?  I would like to hear your thoughts on this.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

BK Bacon Sundae or (Sundae, Sunday, Sundai)

As the temperature rises along with the energy bills.  It's time to find alternative ways to stay cool this summer.  Burger King recently announced their new bacon Sundae.  I have no problem with that sentence.  Being a fan of both bacon and ice cream the next logical step is to combine the two.  Many will say "Ew" when thinking about combining a fried crispy meat product with a cold creamy dairy product.  I for one hold no fear for the unknown.  I set out on my quest to try the things that no one else dare.  I grabbed my wallet, I grabbed my car keys, I grabbed my jewel encrusted battle shorts and embarked on my glorious expedition to uncover the secrets of the bacon sundae.  I pulled my car around to the local Burger King.   I calmly asked for a bacon sundae and then pulled around to collect my purchase.  The girl at the window told me that she wasn't sure about the sundae when they first introduced them but she tried it anyway and had to tell me how amazing it was.  My excitement grew.  I mean, how often do you go to a fast food drive through and have the employee there tell you how good the food is you are about to eat?  I admitted to being an bacon sundae virgin and her smile only grew wider.
  "You're in for a treat." she said handing me the plastic cup containing my order.
  If you are reading this and grimacing at the thought of bacon and ice cream, don't knock it til you try it.  Sure, it seems weird.  However, if you have ever dipped your french fries into a milk shake, then this sundae is for you.    It didn't just have bits of bacon, it had whole frickin slices of bacon.  The saltiness gave a great contrast to the sweetness of the ice cream.  I almost found myself enjoying the bacon more.  I would have been perfectly happy with just a plate full of bacon and nothing else.   This treat however is a treat that keeps giving.  Approaching the bottom of the Sundae I found all the melted fudge and caramel but hidden within those chocolaty depths were smaller bits of bacon.  The saltiness dancing on my tongue while the sweetness melted over it.  
What about the fat and calories?
First of all, anyone ordering something called a "Bacon Sundae" isn't worried about calories.  Yes there are probably a butt ton of calories (*510 Calories and 18g of fat).  This isn't an every day treat.  Perhaps every other Thursday.

What if I can't eat pork?
First of all, you CAN eat pork.  You may have a religious restriction which would not allow you to indulge in pork.  Fear not, I have done some research and it says you will only be unclean until sunset. (Leviticus 11, Numbers 19).  The next day you should be right as rain.  On a side note, if you are attacked by suicide bomber, throw your sundae at them.  They will have to wait until the next day to carry out their plans.  If you can't eat bacon or ice cream for health restrictions then I do feel for you.  If you truly love something, you have to pay for it.  Sometimes with more than just money.  

Final Thoughts
Over all the bacon sundae does have a place in my heart.(as well as my hips, butt, and belly.)  Is it the greatest thing since sliced bread?  No.  Sliced bread is still pretty cool.  Just don't miss out on something because it seems weird.  Would you try or have you tried the new bacon sundae?  What are your thoughts?  Please let me know in the comments.


Monday, May 14, 2012

Fanta Sugar-Free Mango Slurpee or (A Slurpee, a Slurpee, my Kingdom for a Slurpee!!!)

I'm not always impressed when it comes Ito new beverage flavors.  The world of sugary beverages is always changing.
    "You like Mountain Dew, right?  Well, try Mountain Dew Red...Same Dew flavor but uh, red with some uh berry like BS in there somewhere."
    "Tired of Dew Red?  Try Dew Blue!!!"  or "Try Dew Blue, Red.  Just like Dew Blue, but in a Red bottle."
      I'm not saying I'm against soda in any way.  I enjoy a cold fizzy beverage every now and then.  I just don't see a commercial for something new and say to myself.  "I'm going to try that."   Then immediately grab my car keys and head to the store with the sole intention of buying that particular flavor of soda.  When it comes down to it, if I have a craving, I just grab what happens to be cold in the fridge.
  Why are you telling us this?  I can hear my readers chant while bathing in a bathtub full of Dew Blue scented Shampoo. (Dew Blue Poo!)

   Because contrary to what I've stated in the previous paragraph I did see an advertisement for a Slurpee.  I haven't had a Slurpee in years.  To be honest, I wasn't sure they still made them anymore.  Then I saw it.  "Try the new Fanta Mango Lite Slurpee at 7/11.  My first thought was, "Oh.  7/11, I won't get to..." then I remembered they just built a 7/11 in the Quad Cities.  A few of them actually.  It's something that doesn't sound to bad on the tongue, boasts 50% fewer calories than the other flavors and it's sugar free.  I grabbed my keys, I headed out the door, I dived over the trip wire just barely getting out of the way of the acid soaked fire net, then somersaulted past an onslaught of acorn tipped arrows.  I dived in through the sunroof of my car and sped off into the sunset in search of this new sugary free beverage.

The Experience.
It felt sort of like this.  Imagine the red bits as frozen cherry ice.
I'll be the first to admit I'm a newbie when it comes to Slurpee ice beverages.  The last one I had wasn't self serve.  I was under the impression that a person needed some sort of training to operate the Slurpee machine. Like baristas at a coffee house (I assumed they had to be trained otherwise why would they ask to be tipped if it was that simple).  I grabbed a cup and held it under the nozzle.  I turned the lever.  I cackled with insane glee which frightened a small child.  I brought my frozen concoction to the counter and then tossed my money at her in a casual way with a smirk that said "I do this all the time."  The first sip was actually quite good.  I was surprised at how cool and refreshing this was.  The pleasant sensations dancing on my tongue were soon interrupted by an intense pain that started from behind my eyes.   My chest felt like it was about to cave in and my neck began to tighten up.  "This is it," I thought.  "The dreaded 'Brain Freeze.'"  I desperately searched my memory for all the remedies that had been invented to sooth brain freeze.  

Tips For Relieving Brain Freeze

  1. Take a sip of warm water.  An excellent idea with only one major drawback.  I didn't have any warm water.  All I had was this Slurpee.  Maybe that will help. *SLURP* Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!  Nope.  That didn't help at all.
  2. Press the tongue to the roof of your mouth for 30 seconds:  I'm not sure if this worked of it gave me something to do for the 30 seconds it took for the brain freeze to subside on its own.
  3. Rubbing the back of your neck:  I actually did this while pressing my tongue to the roof of my mouth.  Again, I'm not sure which one actually worked or not.
  4. Just Deal with it:  So far  the best solution that actually seems to work.  Just let it pass.
What are your thoughts about the new sugar free Slurpee?
I'm glad you asked bold faced printed sentence.  Brain freeze aside I think this was an enjoyable experience.  My only question is why hasn't something like this come out before?  Diet Soda's definitely have their place in the market.  Why wouldn't the makers of Slurpee want to cash in on that?  I gave up regular soda years ago and whenever I have a craving I reach for something diet.  The sad thing is, I feel limited when some new flavor comes out and there isn't a sugar free alternative.  Try this out, go to any restaurant that has a soda fountain and count the number of diet options vs. the number of regular.  Most will have Diet Coke and Diet Coke Caffeine Free.  Wow, so many choices, where do I start?   That's why I felt the need to try the sugar free Slurpee.  Something new that wasn't going to throw me into a sugar shock induced coma.  If you have a 7/11 in your area I do urge you to try it.  Even if you don't have to watch your sugar.   If you've already tried this, or if you have a similar story of something new you tried, please let me know.

For more information including nutritional information check out their website.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Chess Fight Club

     This Saturday I will be playing in a chess tournament.  April 21, 2012.  I have the information posted below.  Everyone is welcome to either watch or play.  If you happen to be in the Quad City area it is worth checking out.  If you have never been rated by the USCF the entry fee is waived.  That mean you can play for free.  The nice thing about chess for me is the way the rest of the world seems to disappear and I enter an almost quiet bliss.  Is it hard?  Yes, Do you have to be super intelligent?  No, not really.  They  haven't really found any link between chess talent and intelligence.  In a way it's like martial arts.  You must be able to attack your opponent while at the same time figure out the best way to defend your own pieces.  Chess is really one of the only games I've found that can be fun whether I am winning or losing.  It's like a conversation.  Each move is a form of dialogue.  You move a piece which threatens a complex tactic,  that is your question.  You are asking "What are you doing to do to get out of this?"  Part of the fun is seeing what answer they come up with.  Chess is more about imagination than strategy.  Sure, there is strategy and tactics, but imagination is what makes it fun.

Below is the PDF file about the event.

Also, here is a link to Bob Long's blog who's running the tournament.  http://chesstoast.blogspot.com/

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Motorcyles Crashing the Bike Path or (Take it Easy Rider)

     One of the great perks of living in the Quad Cities is the Great River Bike Trail.  This is a sixty two mile run along the river between Rock Island, IL to Savanna, IL.  A breathtaking scenic route with stops along the way where one can use the restroom or get a drink of water.  I have traveled this trail before.  I won't lie and say I went the full sixty two miles, but I did visit both sides of the river.

Why are you talking about a bike trail?
   I'll tell you why.  Crossing the Arsenal bridge today I saw something odd.  Motorcycles.  Yes! Frickin' motorcycles on the bike trail.  At first I thought it was an illusion.  Maybe I miss saw.  I looked again.  Sure enough, there were four motorcycles being driven by human sized dicks.  Here is my problem.  Part of the attraction of riding along the river is the peaceful serenity one feels as they gaze over the calm water.  The sounds of birds and ducks, maybe the occasional crash of water on the shore line. As a cyclist, the sudden roar of a motor cycle followed by the sight of a big black metal thing flying towards me at forty miles per hour would be such a shock.  I would be violently snapped back to reality with such a force as to lock my muscles and causing me to lose control and careen off into the river.  These motorcyclists wouldn't even notice while cruising by with their heads shoved up their own dick holes.  
   Would they care?  No.  Their only concern is what kind of chips they can jam into their mouth holes for lunch while enjoying this peaceful scenery which includes baby ducks chocking on exhaust fumes.
   There are those who would think I am overreacting to this.
"You're overreacting to this."  a text message reads to me.
   First of all, how the hell are you texting me before I've even finished the blog?  Second of all, if these motorists, (That's what they are.  Motorcycles are street vehicles.)  Payed attention to anything else besides their own sense of dickery, they would see the signs posted about every half mile or so that reads.  "Motor vehicles such as motorcycles or cars are prohibited from the bike trail."  My only conclusion is they are either blind which means they shouldn't be operating any machinery at all or they can't read.  The third option is, they don't care.  Seeing this has angered me to the point of blogging about it.  Therefore I present to you some things you can do to help in the event that you my loyal readers see a motorcycle on the bike trail.  (Entertainment purposes only)

Ways to mess with Motorcyclists on the bike trail.

Riot Ready Super Soaker, Oh Yeah!

    Super Soakers.  Yes, those high powered water cannons.  Or water balloons which I guess could be classified as a type of grenade in the water based artillery. You can soak the ever living spit out of them.  Especially if they are wearing leather pants.  If they get pissed off you can simply say, "Oh, I'm sorry were you not expecting to get wet driving your motorcycle near the river?  I suggest this website which teaches you about a nice super soaker hack

    Grab a friend and dress up as nuns. Ride on opposite sides of the trail and wait for the motorcycle to pass between the two of you.  When they do, start a yogurt fight.  (Make sure you time it just right.  You want it to appear as if the fight was taking place before they passed you.)

    It should look just like this
    Go the RoadRunner Route and erect a brick wall with a realistic painting of a tunnel.  Of course, just like the cartoons, the bicyclists will be able to travel through this tunnel but the motorcyclists will smash right into it.

       I'm not saying that these people are bad or evil.  I'm not even saying that motorcycles are bad.  In fact, motorcycles are awesome.  Just not on a trail reserved for bicycles.  It would be like a tank.  Again, tanks are awesome.  Tanks running over small cars, ok still awesome.  The point is, there is a time and place for everything.  Are these people really bad for doing this, well yes and no.  I would rather give them the benefit of the doubt and just blame it on ignorance.   I don't think they were intentionally driving on the trail with the sole purpose of ruining the experience for everyone else.
       Does anyone else have any thoughts on this?  Would you feel uncomfortable riding a bicycle along side a thousand pound hunk of metal and glass and other bits of sharp pointy bits?
    Email me or leave a comment below.

    2 motorcyclists injured in bike trail crash

    Perhaps Karma has a way of dealing with these things
    .  http://www.startribune.com/local/west/133326473.html

    Wednesday, April 11, 2012

    A Satisfied Customer or (Dead men tell no bad jokes)

        I sat in a waiting room.  It was brightly lit with a few paintings of sad clowns on the walls.  A large oak coffee table scattered with magazines sat before me.  I have been waiting close to forty five minutes now.  After reading through the fifth magazine on fishing, baseball, and how to fish with a baseball the large wooden door cracked open and a woman's head with short blond hair peeked through.
        "Mr.  ***********,"  she announced with a smile.  "We are ready to see you now."
      I dropped my magazine onto the table and followed her through the door.  She led me down a long hallway adorned with more sad clown paintings.  "Sure are a lot of clowns here."  I said trying to make small talk.  She ignored me and pointed at a door with the number '86' on it.
         "Here is our stop."  she opened the door.  "Mr.  Saila will be with you shortly."  She excused herself and left me sitting in a small office.  Thankfully there were no sad clowns in here.
    Instead there was a plain black desk with a folder.   Next to the desk was a simple lamp.
        The door opened "Hello, I am Mr. Saila.   I understand you have a problem and we are here to help.  Have you brought the check?"
        I was startled.  I turned around to see a smiling man which I guessed to be in his mid forties.  His hair was short, dark, and swept back.  His steel eyes half hidden behind small wire rimmed spectacles.  "Yes, I have the money here." I said looking through my pockets.  "I just had a few questions-"
        "Look," the man spoke sharply.  "We have all the information we need.  We'll take care of it."
       "Yes, but I was just curious as to how you'd do it."  I said nervously.
       The man sighed.  "We don't usually reveal our methods to our clients.  Heck, sometimes our clients ARE the targets."  He said with a little chuckle.  He sat down at the bare desk and reached into a drawer and produced a small wooden box.  "Cuban?" he said extending the box toward me.
       'Uh, no thanks I don't smoke."  I said.
       He put the box away and pointed at the chair opposite him.  "Please sit," he said.  "What I can tell you is it will be quick, painless, and no ties to you whatsoever."  He thumbed through the folder on the desk.  "In this case, we can have it done by the end of the week.   I see she has your last name, yet I have you down here as single. "
       "Well, she's my ex you see but she is trying to take everything I-"
       "Say no more." He put his hand up.  "This is more common than you think.  In fact, I'm sure you've heard of Jack the Ripper.   He was actually employed by us.  We actually spent months slaughtering women of the same profile just to make it look like a serial killing.  Of course the client paid a little extra for a painful death with the added bonus of having his wife labeled as a street walker."  He took out a cigar for himself and lit it.  The heavy smoke rose silently through the air.  "We have even, well I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but we have even gone as far as hijacking a plane to take out a well known building-"
         I almost fell out of my chair.  "What?!  You guys were behind 9/11!?"  I shouted.
        "No, no," he put his hand up. "That was all Bin Laden, we just made sure our target was on the twelfth floor."  He grabbed my check and stuck it into the manila folder.
        "Wait a minute," I said.  "Why are you telling me this, aren't you afraid of me knowing too much?"
        The man laughed and extinguished his cigar.  "I don't think anyone would believe you, besides nothing will leave this room.  Not even you."  He brought out another manila folder.
       "I don't under-" I began to feel dizzy and I started to lose focus.
         Mr.  Saila thumbed through a folder.  "It seems your ex wife outbid you.  She paid a little extra for defamation of character.  You'll die of a drug overdose.  You've been exposed to a toxin from my cigar smoke that damages the brain first and resembles a drug overdose."
        I slumped to the ground.  "But I paid you, you bas-"  my throat seized up.
        "Oh, you've probably lost the ability to speak by now."  The man stood up.  "Yes, you've paid us and rest assured she will also be dead by the end of the week as per our deal.  We always keep our promises."
          The world around me began to grow dark.  I felt as though I were falling which I guessed was the total relaxation of my entire body.  I was aware of the cold temperature as my body began to lose heat.  I suddenly felt really good, at peace even.  Then there was nothing.  Many think of death as a bang but it's really just a whisper.  Silence and solitude forevermore.
    ***The End***

       "Jesus Frank!"  exclaimed the Publishing agent.
        "You don't like it?"  Frank looked surprised.  "You said you wanted something with a good story and a twist at the end.
       "FOR KIDS!!!"  the agent screamed.  "I wanted something that kids could read and not just look at the pictures."
        "Hey now, are you saying you hated the whole thing?  What about the nice picture of the owl on the cover?"  Frank smiled.
        "The one that's being eaten by the zombie?"  He picked up the book.
        "Yeah, that one."  Frank insisted.
        "Oh yes, this one is just great."  the agent said "For fueling the nightmares of american children and jump-starting the economy for therapists everywhere."
         "Well, if you don't like it then I'll just go somewhere else."  Frank stood up.
         "What?" said the agent.  "I didn't say I didn't like.  I'm talking about all the clown pictures.  Tell you what, replace the clown pictures with flowers and we should be able to sneak just under the censors."
         "Deal."said Frank as they shook hands.

    Saturday, April 7, 2012

    Fecal Transplants or (To Poo or not to Poo!)

         I am going to warn my readers right now.  If you are eating or have eaten within the last hour or so hold off on reading this.  I'm serious.  Finish your lunch and come back in an hour.
    Ok, the reason for my warnings are as follows.  Today's blog is about Feces.  Yes, aka poop, aka doo doo, aka $h1t aka crap, aka movies by Uwe Boll.  I'm not talking about just pooping in general, but how poop can be used to heal.  I would not joke about something this serious.  If you or someone you know suffer from C. Difficile should read this PDF.

        What is C. Difficile? or (What's the C. Diff?)
    High five?

    I'm glad you asked otherwise I'd just explain anyway without an inquisitive segue.  C. Difficile is an infection that lives in pooop and can cause diarrhea or in the worst case inflammation of the colon.  The word inflammation and colon should never ever be used in the same sentence.  This can actually be life threatening.  The most often used treatment is antibiotics.  Antibiotics are good at killing off infections.  Many life threatening ailments have been treated with antibiotics.  What's the problem?  The antibiotics kill off the good bacteria as well.  Good bacteria helps you break down foods that you can't digest on your own.  For example, beans.  We can't digest them that well.  So the bacteria eat the parts we can't break down and they burp.  This causes gas.  Neat huh?  Where are you going?  I warned you about eating lunch while reading this.
         You can also just boost the probiotics in some cases.  Giving your feces a healthy dose of good bacteria can help fight off the bad guys.  This is why the yogurt industry have been advertising the benefits of a good long poo.
        If the inflammation is so bad and it's too late for probiotics or antibiotics, it's time for surgery.  The only thing to do now is to remove part of the colon.  Holy crap!  That does not sound like fun.  I mean, I don't even want to imagine what that's like.

    "You did that all by yourself?  Good, here's a lollipop."
       Luckily there are alternatives.  Like replacing your infected poo with good poo.  That's right, I'm talking about a Fecal transplant.  This is one of those ideas that sounds so crazy that it might just work.  And it does.  A canadian man (for some reason doesn't want his name published) was due for the procedure.  Since this was an uncommon thing there was a lot of red tape to go through to get it approved.  It apparently took too long because the patient said "Screw this, I'm just going to do it my dang self."   His doctor of course was shocked that his patient had already done the procedure but then  probably relieved that he didn't have to do it.
         I think this is a good idea.  Yes, it seems strange but it does have a 90% success rate.  90%!  The fact that someone did this at home without a doctor and it still worked just goes to show that there's more to this idea.  How else are we supposed to learn new things or make new discoveries if we aren't willing to try new things?  What if Alexander Fleming decided to just throw out that moldy sandwich? I know this is a semi serious blog but seriously.  Why would their be any red tape at all?  The conversation should have gone like this.
    Doctor:  With my years of experience and medical training I believe this is the best course of action.  Yes, the patient understands what we are doing and even signed the waiver.
    Medical Director:  Ok, how does this afternoon sound?
    Doctor:  Uh, I think I'd like to do this before lunch.
        Then the doctor would begin to literally doctor the shit right out of his patient.  Pun intended.

    What do you think?  Does it seem like hospitals are too concerned with lawsuits and protecting their own behinds rather than patients?  Do you think this just slows our progress?  Isn't progress built on making the occasional mistake?


    Thursday, April 5, 2012

    Quaker Face-lift or (has Quaker gone Quackers?)

       There I am, traipsing through the cereal aisle at my local super market.  All is right with the world.  I casually glance over as I pass by a box of oatmeal and continue walking.
         "Hold on a tic." I shout.  I snap my head back to the Quaker Oats box.  Something didn't seem quite right here.  I pick up the box and stare intently at the label.
          "Can I help yo-"  a voice starts to say.
          "SHUT UP!!!"  I scream.  "I'M THINKING!"  and sprint down the aisle with the box in my hands.  I hide myself among the pineapples so I can be alone to contemplate my dilemma.
    I stare at the box.  It looks like this.
        "Hmm, "  I say to myself.  It looks  different.  I bought the box and took it home.  I placed it on my kitchen table and stared at it.  "What secrets do you hold?" I said with a slightly British accent.  
          Then it hit me.  He lost weight!  He lost weight?  What?  How is that even, why did they, what?
    My suspicions were confirmed after doing a Google search for an old Quaker oats box and I turned up 
    this article here.   It's not like they replaced him with Brad Pitt or anything.(Pictured Below) 
     But it does look like he has had some work.     
    I bet you ladies out their would like to sow them oats.  Am I right?
       Even the text font seems thinner.  It's almost as if the logo itself is an actual entity and it decided to lose weight because the other logo's kept making fun of it at the beach.  I had to do some research on this (not too much).  I came up with this nifty little slow news day article that said PepsiCo. wanted their product to be associated with health and energy which I guess wasn't being represented by a jolly fat colonial man in a wig.  Instead, a slightly less fat but still jolly colonial man in a wig.
          The difference is subtle.  Changing a logo too much can sometimes cause a consumer backfire.  Do you remember "New Coke?"  Of course not!  No one does and they've spent millions to make sure it stays that way.  More recently Tropicana got rid of their famous "orange with a straw sticking out of it" logo.  However after many fans complained, passionately.  I mean with more passion than the OJ Simpson trial (A different kind of OJ).  In 2010 they brought the orange and straw back.
          What do I think about the change?  You may have already asked.  I think they did a good job with the subtlety without changing the logo.
               Heck, we could have ended up with this.
    Now with 25% more Smoosh Smoosh!!!

      I am all for change.  Sometimes it's what helps keep a product fresh in our minds.  I drove by a Taco Bell sign that hadn't changed their sign in three months.  It wouldn't have bothered me except the sign said "Tr Britos ox un"  Obviously it had lost some letters.  Every frickin' day I passed this sign. I felt like walking in there to give them some helpful input.
        Employee:  Welcome to Taco bell melpew?
       Employee:  Huh?  Wha-"
       Me: Yes, I'll have the chalupa please.

    When they finally did change their sign I was relieved.  It was to advertise some baja taco, burrito, something otherwhich.  Someone even joked "You have to try that now because they changed the sign."

    You know what?  I did feel like eating there that day.  It was still horrible but that's not the point.
    The point is changing a logo every now and then isn't that bad.  Will it make people associate oatmeal with being thing and healthy?  I always thought of oatmeal as sort of poor mans(of which I am a member) breakfast.  It's something that is cheap and still nutritional.  I bet they could have changed the logo to a pauper or even better yet Oliver Twist.  His fingerless gloves holding out a small bowl with those puppy dog eyes.  "Can I 'ave some more?"

    Do you like oatmeal?  Does a logo really matter that much?  Would you still eat oatmeal if it had a picture of someone with diabetes?

    Wilfred wouldn't lie to you.


    Friday, March 30, 2012

    Employers Invading Privacy? or (Big Brother is Poking You)

       (That weird Dun dun music from Law and Order) July 2nd, 1996.

        I sat quietly in the conference room at the local supermarket waiting for the manager to enter.  After about five minute's she entered the room and sat down.
      "Hello."  she said and offered me her hand.
        I shook her hand trying to remember all the things you were supposed to do during a job interview.  I think I may have curtsied too.  "I am pleased and humbled to make your acquaintance your majesty"  Ok, I wasn't that dumb.  But I was trying to be super polite in every way I knew how.
        She looked over my application which didn't take too long seeing as I had pretty much zero job experience.  I had maybe two references, which were either teachers or friends that I may have helped move.  "Ok," she said finally.  "First thing I want to know is are you willing to shave and cut your hair?"
       I sat for a moment.  This wasn't what they taught us about job interviews.  What about 'what's your biggest weakness?'  to which I reply 'I work too hard'  or 'When can you start?'  'NOW!'.  I sat for a second. My hair was long yes.  But it was tied back.  I have had my beard ever since the first grade.  I just looked silly without it.  Just like how some people look weird without their glasses.  "Well, I am willing to shave yes."  I thought it was a sacrifice worth making for a job.  "But my hair can be tied back or maybe I could wear a hairnet."
        "Well," she said.  "I don't see any point in asking you any more questions." she said.  Smiling.  "We'll call you if anything comes up."  She pointed me towards the door.  I slowly walked out still dumbfounded.
      I pondered this for the next few days.  "How dare she judge me by my my hair."  Song lyrics began to swim through my head.  "And the sign says 'long haired freaky people, need not apply, so I tucked my hair up under my hat and went in to ask him why."
       I felt discriminated against.  What if my hair was part of my religion?  They would be discriminating against my religion.  Them stupid, work Nazi's!!!  "No job for you!"
       I have mellowed since then.  Looking back I realized two things.

    1. The request wasn't that outrageous.
    2. I was a stupid kid.
     For all I knew, she may have considered me for a job working around some machine that has been known to suck guys in by their pony tails.  It may have come down to one man, being slowly pulled in by his pony tail and still refusing scissors choosing death first. Come to think of it, I think she may have actually saved my life.
         Of course employers are going to ask things you don't expect.  It's part of their job to find the absolute best of the best.

     What exactly is the best of the best?
     I'm glad you asked.  I have compiled a list of what I would look for if I was an employer. This is in order of importance.

    1. An employee may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
    2. An employee must obey the orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
    3. An employee must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws.
      Ok, that' was actually Isaac Asimov's Three laws of robotics with the word "Robot" replaced by the word "Employee".   I think it still works here however.

       Why are you bringing all this employee stuff up?
    I'm glad you asked narrative segue. A loyal reader has brought this article to my attention.  What it basically says is they shot down an amendment that would ban employers from asking their employees to hand over their Facebook passwords.  Ok, let's read that again.  Some employers have asked that their employees give them the password to their Facebook account in order to be hired or to keep their job.  I have never even heard of this being a thing.  I have never been asked for the password to anything.  Here is one of the problems. According to this article here as of 2008 61% of internet users had the same password for everything.  Heck, they may as well be asking for your bank information as well.  The problem is, there is nothing illegal in asking a question.  Not really.  You as an american citizen have the right to answer in any way you see fit.
       I live in Illinois, which is a Right to Work state.  You can be fired or refused a job without even a reason.  Yes, I have been in a situation just like that.  I was fired from a retail chain by a manager that just didn't really like me.  No other reason was given or even had to be given.  I only take mild satisfaction in knowing that he was later fired for stealing about a thousand dollars worth of stuff.  I say mild because it didn't really give me my job back.
         Why would an Employer care about your Facebook?
      I'm sure a quick Google search can dig up a ton of stories about a social network related firing.  There was this thing with teachers at a Los Angeles School (Not for the feint of heart).  Mark Berndt a 61 year old teacher in Los Angeles was fired and is held on $23 million bail for lewd acts with pupils (Eye sex? No, pupils means students).   A second teacher Martin Springer has also been arrested from the same freakin' school for allegedly fondling 14 year old girls. If you were a parent of a child in that school I'm sure you would feel a lot better knowing they intend to open with a new staff.
         Were these children saved because of access to Facebook?  Probably.  Then again. They could have also been saved by randomly searching their computers.  I'm sure no one is going to agree to that.  Facebook or any social network is basically that.  A "social" network.  That's like hanging out at a social bar or restaurant.  If you suddenly started taking pictures of underage kids at a Denny's.  I'm sure someone would notice.  I don't think you need someone's password to Facebook or whatever to find things like that out.  Back in the old days, it took a concerned student to come forward to another adult.
        This brings another point.  Adding your boss or your company as a friend.  It's kind of like that boss that wants to hang out and be your friend.
       "Hey, Bob.  Going out for some drinks with the boys.  Mind if I tag along?"  He might say with a smile.
       "Uh, well sure.  Let me just finish up this quick text so the guys can save you an extra chair."  You say nervously while simultaneously texting "Boss is coming,  Cancel the hookers."
       "Great." He says clapping you on the back and probably dislocating your shoulder.
       *BEEP BEEP* comes the next text.  "Too late, but the Candy and Cherry have been paid a little extra to pose as our sisters."
        "Sweet!" I exclaimed.  "Uh, our sisters are going to be joining us as well."

       Should employers require you to add them as a friend?  I don't think so, but a good employer shouldn't have to require you to do anything.  A business relationship should run pretty smoothly.
         I hope this trend doesn't catch on.  Here's something to consider though.  If you are ever refused employment because you refuse to handover your password to your Facebook or Google+ or your Myspace(Remember them?) account ask yourself this question.   "Would you really want to work for those dicks anyway?"
    Maybe the answer is "Yes."   With the way the economy is now, finding a good job is hard enough as it is.  Do we really need this crap?
           What are your thoughts on this?  Maybe it's not a big enough thing yet.  It is something to make us question the meaning of privacy.  Please leave your comments and thoughts on this subject.  I am interested in hearing arguments for both sides.




    Thursday, March 29, 2012

    Organic vs. Inorganic or (Some Things Just Cantaloupe.)

    "Imma gon' destroy dis berry!"

         The warm season is here.  It's time for fresh produce.  Tomatoes, cucumbers, strawberries, green beans, and...and...adsf;dsajfds.  Sorry, I've just salivated on my keyboard.  One minute.
       The point is, there is nothing better than fresh produce.  It's easier to come by, it's cheaper, and it tastes better.  What's better on a nice summer day than a good old fashioned BLT (Bacon, lettuce, and tomato).
          Support your local farmers buy produce and anoth- (RING)  Ok, that's weird my phone is ringing inside of my blog.  I must resist the urge of an over used Inception joke. "Phone Ception!"  Damn it. (RING) Ok, one second.  I have to take this call.
         (45 minutes later)
    Wow, time sure does fly in blog world.   I just got off of the phone with a concerned reader.  They explained to me that we should screw the local farmers and other companies and buy organic (Not their exact words). (RING)(RI---)  I'm sorry, let me turn this off.
         Harmful Pesticides and other Chemicals hurts us and the environment.  
           Let me start by saying "Yes, organic doesn't use harmful chemicals or pesticides compared to conventional farming.  What's wrong with that?  Let me tell you, the world is full of bugs, rabbits, and other things that just love to eat produce.  How are they keeping them away?  No, playing Justin Bieber CD's won't work (I apologize for the meme jokes today).  Keeping the crop from being eaten by critters is a great challenge.   The truth is, that about half of the crop is what they would consider good enough to sell.  Therefore to keep up with demand they need to plant twice as much in order to keep with the demand.  This of course requires twice as much land, twice as much water (Twice as many Bieber jokes).  This of course explains why organic is much more expensive.  They need to pay the water bills, the land, and the extra employees it takes to manage all of this.  That's the price one pays for pesticide free food.  With that said, the pesticides that are conventionally used to protect the produce are heavily regulated by the government.  Any pesticides are tested, retested, signed for, and then approved.  If these pesticides weren't safe we'd of  have a much smaller population today and I would be able to find a decent parking spot Wal-Mart.  I'm not saying you should drink pesticides (unless you're a member of the Taliban).  You should always wash your vegetables.
           "Ah Ha!!!"  A scream shouts from the distance.  "Organics don't use pesticides therefore you won't have to worry about washing your fruit and wasting all that water!!!"
         To which I reply.  "Shut up!  This is my blog!"  How much water does it take to wash a tomato anyway?  The point is, you should ALWAYS wash your fruits and vegetables organic or not.  Why?  Animal poop.  You heard me.   Stuff grows in the ground.  Animals poop on the ground (I once saw a goat use a toilette at a fair, but he still didn't wipe).  Water runoff travels through this and carries poop through these crops.  This poop carries E. Coli which is bad for your health despite sounding like the name of some pretentious author (Coming soon:  Love and War, and Fecal Liaisons.  By E. Coli)  So, wash your fruits and vegetables unless you want to be apart of the next viral video (2 Girls 1 (unwashed)Tomato).
           What's this about screwing local farmers?
    Isn't organic farming done by the little guy?  Not unless you mean the CEO of one of these major corporations is short (I don't think he is.  He wears gold plated platform shoes)  The truth is a lot of these organic brands are owned by major companies.  Quick, think of something healthy and organic.  Back to Nature which has cookies, and chips, and other things made from organic things and maybe recycled newspaper (the box.)   Look at the Boca burger.  Yummy, all natural soy protien and vitamins.  Both Back to Nature and Boca Burger is owned by  Kraft.  Have you heard of Kraft?  That's because it's a major corporation.  I'm not saying it's a bad thing.  I'm just saying that it's not a reason to pay three dollars for a crappy tomato!
       Sorry.  Where was I?  Oh yeah.  So what do we have?  Organic food is more expensive to produce which is why it costs more.  If any local farmers are selling organic products they are still being overrun by the major companies. What else is there?
       Nutrition and Taste.
        The verdict is still out on this one.  There still hasn't been any conclusive evidence that proves the nutrition is any different between organic and regular vegetables.  As far as taste goes.  I suspect that has more to do with psychology than anything else.  Not just because the word "Organic" is in there.  But the price has something to do with it as well.  If something is more expensive you may expect it to be a bit better.  Even if it isn't.I think it's best summed up by an experiment.  Just look at this wine experiment.  When they were told they were drinking really expensive wine they believed it tasted better.  Even though all wine tastes pretty much the same unless it's loaded with enough sugar to make an Ant diabetic.  Here is another experiment done by Penn & Teller.  They cut a banana in half and told people that the first half was organic and the other half wasn't.  Guess which half tasted better?
         You guessed it.  The chocolate milkshake.  I mean the part they thought was organic.  There have been a few tests that show some organic food actually might taste a bit sweeter but it's up to the buyer to decide if it's worth the extra coin.  What do you think?  Do you eat organic food simply because you believe it's better for you?  Take a step back and look at those grapes.   Please leave your comments and thoughts below.

      P.S. Here is a recipe for a BLT:


    • 4 slices bacon
    • 2 leaves lettuce
    • 2 slices tomato
    • 2 slices bread, toasted
    • 1 tablespoon mayonnaise


    1. Cook the bacon in a large, deep skillet over medium-high heat until evenly browned, about 10 minutes. Drain the bacon slices on a paper towel-lined plate.
    2. Arrange the cooked bacon, lettuce, and tomato slices on one slice of bread. Spread one side of remaining bread slice with the mayonnaise. Bring the two pieces together to make a sandwich.

      Recipe Source:  http://allrecipes.com/recipe/blt/

    Sunday, March 25, 2012

    Innocent Vengence or (Guns don't kill people, Hoodies do)

         February 26th, 2012  Trayvon Martin was shot by George Zimmerman.  The captain of the neighborhood watch.  Why?  I think fear was to blame.  Fear leads to many irrational choices.  I'm not saying that George was justified in what he did.  He claims it was in self defense.  Perhaps it was.  We don't know.  That's the problem.  There was no arrest.  In spite of my cynical nature I still do believe that one is innocent until proven guilty.  However, George has not gotten that chance. I can understand the outrage of Mikhail Muhammid of the "New" Black Panthers, who has offered $10,000 for the capture of George Zimmerman.   I'm sure his heart is in the right place.  A man has been shot and his killer is getting away with it.  This may be a bit too drastic.   murderers there are out there with actual warrants.  I'm talking about killers that have actually murdered with purpose and fled.  I think they are a bit more dangerous than George Zimmerman. 
    Should George Zimmerman be arrested.  Yes. He SHOT someone.  They should at least investigate what happened.  He was Captain of the neighborhood watch. The last time I checked the neighborhood watch was a committee set up between concerned neighbors who decided to watch the neighborhood, and if something suspicious cropped up they called 911 (Hello? 911? Yes I caught the newspaper thief. It was a Raccoon.  I just shot him.)
         Does that mean he's guilty.  Who knows.  Perhaps Trayvon approached George and threatened him with a box of skittles.  In spite of my cynical nature I still believe that one is innocent until proven guilty.  Wether he is guilty or not, he still deserves a chance to be proven guilty or cleared.  This is a sensitive subject.  Someone was murdered and there is plenty of controversy.  The problem is, it shouldn't be a sensitive subject.  Stuff like this happens every day in every corner of the world (Except Antarctica.  Penguins are pretty chill.  Get it? Hahaha)
         Geraldo Rivera.  The mustachioed avenger of truth.  (That sounded better in my head)  Made a comment about the hoodie being at fault.  Sort of like saying, "The girl wore loose clothing and invited the rapist to rape her.  (Little Timmy invited that pedophile by being eight years old.)  This of course has outraged many people.  I don't think it should be such a big deal.   I can understand his point.  A persons choice in fashion can sometimes be at fault. (I have been tempted to shoot anyone wearing socks with sandals.)  I don't think a hoodie is one of them.  Unless he had a ski mask under the hoodie.  What Rivera had said was "Trayvon's hoodie was as much to blame for his death as his George Zimmerman was."  If you think about it, he wasn't blaming Trayvon for his death.  His hoodie may have been what sparked George to react out of fear.  Yes, it seems stupid and irrational.  That's what fear does.  Perhaps Rivera should have added, "The hoodie and George were both misguided."
    "What should we do?" I can hear several people ask out loud. 
    It's not up to me, but I'm glad you asked.  I do agree that Zimmerman should be arrested.  Not hunted down.   He should go through the same legal process as anyone else who has committed a murder, be it in self defense, anger, or by accident.  The hate groups such as the New Panthers should spend their energy helping the victims familys, on both sides.  Maybe selling baked goods to raise money. (maybe they could sell hoodies).  Prayer sessions or anything else other than offering money to hunt someone down which I'm sure will result in another murder and an arrest and more pissed off people.  You don't have to take my word for it.  History is filled with this sort of thing.  Just Google Martin Luther King Jr. or Rodney King which lead to the Reginald Denny incident. 
         The way of violence has no mind.  Only raw emotion.  Blind anger and retaliation.  While it seems like a good idea to cut off diseased limbs perhaps it is better to wrap them with a warm rag and care for them until a proper healing can begin.  I will end todays post with a quote from the Tao Te Ching.
    "Gentleness is sure to be victorious even in battle, and firmly to
    maintain its ground. Heaven will save its possessor, by his (very)
    gentleness protecting him."  -Lao Tzu  (Tao Te Ching v. 67 line 4)


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