Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Michael Bay and Ninja Turtles or (Ow! My Shell hurts!)

      Michael Bay said in a statement that he was going to direct a new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie.
   "Hooray!!"  Many fans may have personally wet themselves with joy. Michael Bay had also said he planned on making the turtles into Aliens (stunned silence).  The sky begins to grow dark.  The faces of these fans are bathed in a red glow. 
"There will be blood tonight!!!"  they scream.
  It appears that this simple plot tweak has upset a lot of people.  Including Robbie Rist
    "Who's that?"  I hear someone shouting at their monitor.  You didn't know I could hear you did you? 
    Robbie Rist is the voice actor of Michelangelo from the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles live action movie in the 90's.  "He (Michael Bay) is sodomizing the whole turtles franchise."  He stated in an interview.  Wow, that's a pretty harsh statement. 
   Me:  Mr.  Rist.   What do you think about the new Dr.  Pepper Ten?
   Robbie Rist:  How dare they rape my doctor pepper.  They are personally pissing into my mouth with this new-
   Unfortunately his eyes rolled back into his head and he passed out from a burst neck vein before he finished his statement. 
    It seems many have forgotten what happens anytime a childhood cartoon gets translated into film.  Scooby Doo was fine, until they made Scrappy Doo the villain.  It was still watchable.  Yogi Bear...Uh, I'm not touching that one.  The Smurfs...Next please.  Alvin and the Chip...ENOUGH!!!  Ok, where was I?  Oh yeah. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Admittedly it is next to impossible to please everyone.  You almost have to make the movie exactly like the series (which is what everyone fell in love with)  The problem with that is, sometimes the things that work in a series is too silly to work into a film.  Example,  Professor Xavier's wheelchair in X-Men.  In the cartoon it hovered. It freaking hovered.  That is bad ass right there.  But it didn't fit in with the environment of the movie.  So they gave him wheels.   That was fine.
  "What are the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?" You ask.
  To which I reply "What?  Are you kidding me?  You're halfway through this blog and you're asking me this now?"  Ok, a little history.
      In 1984 friend Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird premiered a comic book called "The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles." It was sort of meant as a parody of the popular comics at the time (and probably still today).  New Mutants and Daredevil (which are still pretty well known today).  Probably lesser known are Cerebus (Dave Sims) and Ronin (Frank Miller).  The comic book was a bit darker and edgier.  In 1987 it became an animated series.  I remember watching this series as a kid and loving every minute of it.  Every day after school I would race home to watch cartoons.  The turtles were one of the ones I followed.  My friends and I would have long discussions about the episodes the next day.  Deep thought provoking philosophical debates (Why did the foot soldiers explode when Leonardo kicked them?)  I remember the cartoons fondly.  Unfortunately I did make the mistake of watching an old episode.  I cringed at how silly and uncool it seems now.  Maybe my tastes of changed, maybe society has changed.  Not to say that the cartoon still isn't entertaining.  It just didn't make my eyes explode with awesomeness (I wear glasses today).
    I remember when they made the live action movie in 1990.  I was psyched.  Within the first five minutes one of the turtles uttered the word "Damn!"  Wow, a turtle just said a mild swear word.  This is some hardcore stuff right here.  Ok, it wasn't exactly like the cartoon.  It did however have some great martial arts fighting scenes which I'm sure took a lot of talent to pull off from inside of a green foam suit.  The turtles themselves have actually gone through quite a few changes over there years. The image sometimes needs to be updated.  Changing a turtle from a "mutant" to an "alien" could be a major change.   However, if the story that backs this up is really good it may be a necessary evil.  Seeing that he plans to have the movie directed by Jonathan Liebesman.  The guy that did Battle Los Angeles (I admit it wasn't a bad movie but not known for it's plot).  This may not be the case. 
    Michael Bay has since told fans that they need to chill out.  I somewhat agree with him.  But on the other hand,  their criticism may not be unjust.  After all, they are the customers.  The first rule of making money is to appeal to the customers.  I may not be the first in line when the movie hits the theaters  but I will be keeping an eye out for the reviews.
      I don't think the movie will ruin the franchise as many fans claim.   The movie will do either two things. It will either kick ass or suck monkey nuts.  If it sucks, that's easy.  Just don't watch it and do something else (read my blog over and over until jelly leaks out of your eyes)  If it rocks, then well watch it.  The world will still spin.  I'm leaning towards "Sucks monkey nuts" but with a sprinkling of fireworks fueled eye candy.
  In the meantime, just wait and see.  Perhaps the movie will suck so much it will inspire other artists to create better stories that may even exceed that of Hollywood.  Wow, an independent movie that's better than something from Hollywood?  Preposterous.  Here is a list of independent movies that are way better than Hollywood.

-Mary and Max
-Run Lola Run
-Mad Max
-El Mariachi


Artwork by Melissa Clark 


  1. I hope everyone takes note of the bottle of Turtle Wax Lube in the picture :)

  2. That is really awesome! conveys just the right sentiment lol

  3. Get daily suggestions and instructions for making THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS per day FROM HOME totally FREE.


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