Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Great Adventures in the Outdoors

    Today I venture forth into the great outdoors.  Fueled by caffeine, I take in the scenery of the city.  The scent of fresh crack brewing from the small boarded up white house on the corner.  The sounds of children playing Call of Duty on their IPhones.  Walking down the path a small squirrel starts to follow me.  "Amazing," I thought to myself, "squirrels usually run away when I approach them."  He seemed just as curious about me as I was of him.  "Hello little fella" I smiled at him.
    "Strange," thought the squirrel. "I've never seen a human up close before."  The squirrel continued to look at me.
     I was shocked, "I can actually hear your thoughts.  Maybe it's the two cans of Red Bull I consumed." I told him not sure if he could understand me or not.
  The squirrel squinted his beady little eyes at me  "I wonder what they taste like." he thought to no one in particular. His teeth sunk deep into the flesh of my left ankle.
     I screamed and cursed at the devil spawn. but the squirrel clung on, feasting on my caffeine enriched blood.  His red eyes stared into my soul.  Thinking quickly I figured my only chance was to recite holy incantations from the Bible.  I couldn't think of anything however so I thought of the only religious thing I could, Christmas Carols.  I started with silent night and continued on with Rudolph the red nosed reindeer.  Nothing seemed to work, then I grabbed some nearby twigs with the idea of crafting a makeshift crucifix.  I tried to ignore the burning pain in my left ankle as I fashioned the twigs together into a crude "T" shape. I then jammed the twigs into it's evil blood red eye.  He screamed and I swear fire shot out from the wound.  He scurried off never to be seen again. 
     It was almost noon.  The activity left me a little peckish so I headed into the city in search of an eatery.  The nearest food joint was at least a couple of miles away though and I felt I would starve to death before I reached anything suitable.  Then it hit me.  In the back of the head.  "Hey, what gives? I shouted to no one in particular.  Looking down I saw an empty Pepsi can.  I looked around and saw no one.  "How queer." I thought to myself picking up the can. 
     "Hey you, help me!" a voice shouted at me.  Yet I still saw no one.  "In here, the can.  I'm trapped in the can you have to rub it."
     Maybe it was the urgency in the voice or the curiosity but I gingerly rubbed the side of the can.  The can started to glow and it felt hot.  I dropped it.  A green bolt of lightning shot straight up from the can followed by blue smoke.  "Kind of a cheap effect for a magic Pepsi can." I thought.  When the smoke cleared I saw...well...it was Charlie Sheen? 
     "Thank you," said Charlie.  "I owe you one pal."
     "What were you doing inside of a Pepsi can?"  I asked kicking the can aside.
     "Oh that," began Charlie.  "I met up with his hot college chick.  I mean, she was hot.  Anyway, her father turned out to be a Wizard.  He caught us going at it in the back of his Prius.  I mean, I should have..."
      "Hold on," I cut him off.  "Don't I get three wishes?"  I asked.
     "Well, you get one wish now."  He pulled out a pair of sunglasses and started polishing them on his denim shirt.
     "I though it was three.  Wasn't it always three?"  I asked.
      "Well, with the economy the way it is now...wait how many Genies have you actually seen?" he shouted.
      "Well, uh none." I admitted.
      "So shut up, do you want your wish or not?"  He said looking impatiently.
      "Fine, I could really go for sandwich right now."  I asked.
       "A sandwich?"  He stared at me with his mouth open.  Any wish in the world and all you want is a sandwich?  "What about a million dollars or women?"
       "Money and women are fine, but I haven't eaten all day and I've seen movies with Genie's in them.  The money turns out to be stolen from a bank or it really screws up the economy.  The women end up being some sort of demons that try to steal your soul." I explained.
      Charlie looked at me and finally realized he didn't care, it was my wish.  "Fair enough." He said slipping on his dark sunglasses. With those words he was gone.  In my hand was a sandwich.  I wanted to inspect the ingredients but I didn't have time.  The demon squirrel was back.  He foamed at the mouth, wielding a flaming katana he charged. I ran, but felt that my feet were just too heavy.  The world began to swirl. 

    I shot straight up from my bed with a sweat.  It finally sunk in, it was just a dream.  A very weird and terrifying dream.  I felt relieved.  I was safe.  I climbed out of bed and stumbled into the kitchen looking for food.  On the table sat a sandwich.  A sandwich fit for a king.  I began to sweat, I dropped to my knees.  "What could it mean?" I thought. I stared at the sandwich for about three minutes in much the same way the gorillas stared at the obelisk in 2001: A Space Odyssey.  Dark music began to fill the room.  It was my phone.  "Hello?" I answered.
     "Hey, It's Charlie.  I hope you got the sandwich ok.   I forgot the onions, I hope that's ok."
      "That's fine Charlie, just nex...I wasn't dreaming?"  I suddenly felt nervous. 
     "We all are."  He said.  "We all are." 
     I looked out my kitchen window, in the distance I could just make out a pair of glowing red eyes.  No, just one eye.  The other seemed to be covered by an eye patch.  A small nut clenched angrily in his left paw.  "Charlie,  I'll have to call you back."  I grabbed my pick axe. "It's go time." 


  1. LOL!!!!!! I love the interaction with the squirrel. great stuff!

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